Lately I have been felling like everything would be easier if I was a single Mother. No, I am not romatacizing the idea in my head; but I do feel like I would be a better Mother if I had one less person to take care of, and found who Me is again.
I feel as if my days are spent cooking and cleaning (which they are, natch, that is what being a stay at home mom is all about) and I know he appreciates all I do but it is the stuff like when he says "oh the floor is sticky here" that really gets my goat. Pick up the fucking cloth and wipe it OK? You are standing right beside one. I feel like no matter what I accomplish daily (laundry, cooking 3 meals, cleaning, raising a child and having a professional career on top of being a stay at home Mom) there is something he finds that isn't done. And he has the fucking nerve to point it out. It is starting to wear me out. If I wanted to be nagged I would live with my Mom.
I bring this stuff up to him and he always says this "Oh, you are so hard done by, if you don't like it leave" or "fuck you I work all day you get to sit at home" (what? I raise a child, run a home and work 24-30 hours a week and have never had more then 3 hours to myself since our little one was born). It kills me he would ever say that in front of our child - even though he always apologizes for being an asshole. Hell I have only slept in two time in the last two years and one of those times I was in a different city!
The other day I outright asked him that if he thought I was so horrible and "unloving" (what the fuck? you are an admitted asshole and I am the unloving one? do you deserve my attempts at affection?) why don't I just take our child and leave.
Seriously, you don't like me (or you at least like to tell me you hate me once a week - for which you apologize), you don't seem to think I do enough, you keep saying it is "your" home (even though I ocntribute well over 50% of my income to the house each payday). I feel that I have to ask permission to go somewhere alone (like groceries) and have you watch our child and I feel like our home is really yours.
You deny I have to ask you to watch our child, yet every time I try to even go to the drugstore alone for TAMPONS you make it into a family trip so that I can't even get that blessed 15 minutes to myself. My days are spent chasing a child (which I love) and running a home, making sure you are well fed and taken care of; so I do a lot (in fact I did get an hour for groceries not too long ago and when I came home you proceeded to say you were so tired from watching our kid and went for a 3 hour video game break in the other room - so obviously you can't do it).
Why do I stick around? Is the shit going to ever stop? Am I ever going to feel like this is my house too? Am I ever going to be able to sit down and read a book, instead of watching TV that I hate with you all night? Can I just be me? Should I give up now while I am still young and can start over? Or do I keep trying so hard to ignore the wall I have put up because I feel so hurt all the time? Why must everything be a struggle?
I chose to give up a promising career to stay at home and raise our son full time (I work when the child sleeps and am sometimes awake 54 hours strait to accomplish raising him and working). If I leave I lose a lot (sure there is a ton in home equity to split up - but really that doesn't even buy an apartment in this town) and have a minimal income to support my child on. I don't even want the house money if I leave, because I wouldn't take our home away from him. I really would just start from scratch with my kid. I am so torn; I think we could work this out but I don't think he will put the effort in, and frankly I am scared to try myself because I am sick of crying over this.
My partner thinks I don't love him. I do. More than he can imagine because my ass is still here.
Or am I just dealing with a typical man?
Or am I just dealing with a typical man?
7 comments:
Some of it sounds like typical man. Some of it crosses the line: telling you that if you don't like the way things are, your only option is to leave; calling it "his" house; swearing at you; saying that you get to sit at home all day when clearly you don't; accusing you of not loving him when he's not getting things 100% his way. Those things are...really bad. Extremely disrespectful, and clearly indicating that he doesn't consider the two of you partners. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes.
Telling you that he hates you in front of his son crosses the line for me. Children hearing their fathers berate their mothers is just so far past the line IMO. Fathers are supposed to be safe & supporting & teaching their children how a woman should be treated ~ the words they hear from their fathers stick in their heads for the rest of their lives.
I don't know what I would do in your shoes either. Except slam them onto his head maybe. You know, the really pointy dressy ones we used to sport pre-kids.
I feel like it crosses the line too. It used to make e cry and be upset - but now I feel indifferent. Indifferent is bad - but I give him credit he has been doing well the last few days. We set up a code word that I use when he is making me feel "diminished" and he knows in no uncertain terms that if it continues I will leave, (but not without attempts at going for couples therapy). I am thankful that my child is small and won't remember this stage, and my husband knowsthat I will put an end to this in the next 18 months if it doesn't improve drastically since I will NOT raise a child with me being a miserable emotionally vacant mother.
It's only a typical man if you live in my house! These are all things I'm also dealing with complete with the watching tv that I hate and feeling like I have lost myself while he takes all the time he wants for his video game obsession. I'm so tired of living with a wall around my heart to protect myself from getting hurt over and over again. It's real hard to be loving in this kind of situation when my focus is just on surviving and hoping I make the right choices for my daughter's sake.
Part of it is typical man, I think, but part of it goes beyond that. Telling you he hates you in front of your kid is never okay. Never. I believe kids take in more than we realize and you never want to teach your daughter that it's okay for a person, esp a man, to treat her that way. Indifference can be deadly, I think. I hope for the three of you that things improve and you can all live happily together, but don't ever undervalue yourself and the importance of what you're doing.
it does sort of sound line crossing to me and you sound at the end of your rope. counseling can be really great tho. and when you love each other and then start really communicating things can get better so fast. my husband and i did counseling to get "tools" to communicate better and it works pretty well most of the time. not always...
-constance, a googleplex.
You sound like my best friend; a strong, intelligent woman who for some reason got stuck with an emotionally abusive man. I vote for therapy immediately if you want to stay in the marriage. Have you ever heard the saying, "Hate is not the opposite of love; indifferance is"? You may have lost some perspective because you do love him, but trust me - from the outside it doesn't sound like you're happy at all. Good luck.
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