I love my husband, really I do. We have a nice home, a beautiful and smart child and a good life with great jobs and money to burn. On the outside we have it all. We are the "American Dream".
Lately I have been felling like everything would be easier if I was a single Mother. No, I am not romatacizing the idea in my head; but I do feel like I would be a better Mother if I had one less person to take care of, and found who Me is again.
I feel as if my days are spent cooking and cleaning (which they are, natch, that is what being a stay at home mom is all about) and I know he appreciates all I do but it is the stuff like when he says "oh the floor is sticky here" that really gets my goat. Pick up the fucking cloth and wipe it OK? You are standing right beside one. I feel like no matter what I accomplish daily (laundry, cooking 3 meals, cleaning, raising a child and having a professional career on top of being a stay at home Mom) there is something he finds that isn't done. And he has the fucking nerve to point it out. It is starting to wear me out. If I wanted to be nagged I would live with my Mom.
I bring this stuff up to him and he always says this "Oh, you are so hard done by, if you don't like it leave" or "fuck you I work all day you get to sit at home" (what? I raise a child, run a home and work 24-30 hours a week and have never had more then 3 hours to myself since our little one was born). It kills me he would ever say that in front of our child - even though he always apologizes for being an asshole. Hell I have only slept in two time in the last two years and one of those times I was in a different city!
The other day I outright asked him that if he thought I was so horrible and "unloving" (what the fuck? you are an admitted asshole and I am the unloving one? do you deserve my attempts at affection?) why don't I just take our child and leave.
Seriously, you don't like me (or you at least like to tell me you hate me once a week - for which you apologize), you don't seem to think I do enough, you keep saying it is "your" home (even though I ocntribute well over 50% of my income to the house each payday). I feel that I have to ask permission to go somewhere alone (like groceries) and have you watch our child and I feel like our home is really yours.
You deny I have to ask you to watch our child, yet every time I try to even go to the drugstore alone for TAMPONS you make it into a family trip so that I can't even get that blessed 15 minutes to myself. My days are spent chasing a child (which I love) and running a home, making sure you are well fed and taken care of; so I do a lot (in fact I did get an hour for groceries not too long ago and when I came home you proceeded to say you were so tired from watching our kid and went for a 3 hour video game break in the other room - so obviously you can't do it).
Why do I stick around? Is the shit going to ever stop? Am I ever going to feel like this is my house too? Am I ever going to be able to sit down and read a book, instead of watching TV that I hate with you all night? Can I just be me? Should I give up now while I am still young and can start over? Or do I keep trying so hard to ignore the wall I have put up because I feel so hurt all the time? Why must everything be a struggle?
I chose to give up a promising career to stay at home and raise our son full time (I work when the child sleeps and am sometimes awake 54 hours strait to accomplish raising him and working). If I leave I lose a lot (sure there is a ton in home equity to split up - but really that doesn't even buy an apartment in this town) and have a minimal income to support my child on. I don't even want the house money if I leave, because I wouldn't take our home away from him. I really would just start from scratch with my kid. I am so torn; I think we could work this out but I don't think he will put the effort in, and frankly I am scared to try myself because I am sick of crying over this.
My partner thinks I don't love him. I do. More than he can imagine because my ass is still here.
Or am I just dealing with a typical man?
